i am so not used to working midnights! i drug my ass home this morning, ass tired! i packed clothes because i was going to the gym after my shift. yeah right! i drove home and took a nose dive straight into bed. i gradually started straightening up the house wednesday night, but honestly i was so tired by then, i didn’t get much done. i did a little bit thursday morning, but then i attempted (to no avail) to lay down for a few hours before going into work and only got so much done. i should be able to get most everything caught up tomorrow morning. i plan to go down to my parent’s house tomorrow evening and see my dad.
i need to get back into the swing of things. i stopped by jc yesterday and got food. i’ll be meeting with leslie sometime this coming week and i haven’t been to tona’s class in awhile. it’s time to get serious again, i have been trying to lose the same fifteen pounds since april. the budget is coming along well, it’s not always easy to stick to, this past week being a perfect example, but i am doing way better than i thought i would with sticking to a budget. all in all things are getting back on an even keel.
as per usual, work sucks big. i keep telling myself that this is only temporary, that three years is nothing and i will be able to go to school and get out of this shit hole of misery i call a job. but on a day to day basis it’s hard to keep your eyes on the big picture. i have to remind myself almost hourly that i am getting out of here. the stress is unbelievable. we still have two people out on medical leave, 0ne is out on her second leave since may. i am so sick of covering for her because quite frankly, no one believes she her leave is legit. she’s cried wolf so many times that even if she does have a legitimate injury, no one believes her anymore. the stress at work is really taken it’s tole on me physically, my ibs has been raging for almost two months now. i have meds i am supposed to take on an as needed basis, i have been taking it daily whether i feel i need it or not as a preventive measure and because it is a rare day when i don’t require it anymore. (i wouldn’t mind so much if i was losing weight, but that’s not the case)
i get so stressed, i get angry, irritable. i feel this barely suppressed rage inside of me and it’s not always easy to control it. i am impatient and i never seem to have enough time to get anything done. being on five days just sucks big. by the time i work, stop and run any errands on the way home, go to the gym, and finally get home i am so tired i can’t get anything done around the house, and i am too tired to really relax and just enjoy myself. by the time the weekend comes the house is a mess, the yard needs mowed there’s very little time left to do anything else. my weekends are not relaxing, not enjoyable. by the time i get off work tomorrow morning, do laundry, clean house, take a short nap, get up and go to my parent’s house for dinner, my day is pretty much over with. sunday i have plans to go to pittsburgh for their stitch and pitch. i have no doubt i will enjoy the game, it’s been years since i’ve been to a baseball game, the last time being with my dad. it’s an hour and a half one way, plus stopping to eat, plus about four hours for the actual game, in other words pretty much the entire day is done.
i feel tired and anxious all the time, i feel like something’s gotta give. god forbid that be the job, so that means sacrificing something else. i exercise or do some sort of activity five to seven days a week, at this point it’s not about losing weight, it’s about coping with stress. so what falls to the wayside? my downtime. i have cut back the amount of time i spend on line, i am not on the message boards like i used to be, i dropped facebook, it was too much of a time suck. i don’t have as much time for reading or even for knitting, and i haven’t spent nearly as much time out on the back porch with pepper this summer. (my job is adversely affecting my relationship with my cat)
perhaps part of the reason i am feeling so overwhelmed is because of the events of this past week. at first i was running on pure adrenaline, then there is this big let down and you are left feeling drained. followed by surgery and the relief that everything went well, then add two midnight shifts, it’s no wonder my head is spinning. all i can tell you is that i am overwhelmed and stressed beyond belief. i am exhausted and feel like my head is in a fog. i am short fused and impatient, and i never have enough time to get anything done.
i hate feeling so negative all the time, the more you feel this way, impatient, angry the more there is to be impatient and angry about. the more days i have to be at work (five versus three) the more i hate being around people, and i value the few minutes when i don’t have to deal with people. (and can someone tell me way my neighbor’s three year old girl is ALWAYS screaming at the top of her lungs?)
i am not entirely sure how to get out of this funk, i am hoping now that things have settled down with dad that i will be able to shake some of this feeling. i am hesitant to plan things on the weekend with other people simply because i feel like it’s my time and i want to be able to do whatever i want with it, without having to take another person into consideration. i also feel the need to cut myself off from as much negativity as possible and that means spending less time in certain venues and distancing myself from certain people, sadly this includes some family members as well.
so, that being said. positivity for today, i am grateful that my dad is ok, i am grateful that he is home, and i am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night.
