true confessions

I have a confession to make. I gained seven pounds while on vacation. I was so upset about this, I packed on three more. I am now back at the twenty pound mark. My knees hurt, again. I feel like I have lost so much ground. The last time I weighed this much was in February. I talked it over with my jc counselor, Jennifer. I have so many excuses for everything. I am tired, I am stressed, I started my period, the recent passing of a dear friend, Dad’s health.  My favorite excuse of all my current excuses? It’s cold out now, it cost so much to heat the house i keep the thermostat set at sixty-two degrees. If i wear a short sleeve shirt I’ll be cold. I’m not kidding, I let myself off the hook FOR THAT!

Mind you if I got up and moved, I would be warm. I know this. My solution was to go out to Walmart and buy a few really cheap long-sleeved shirts to work out in. If they get ruined, who cares? I have been craving sweets, I went out and bought some weight watchers candy. I have been really down on myself about the weight gain, so I asked my friends to be cheerleaders. Every week I’ll weigh in, and I’ll tell them how much I lost and I want them to give me a big WHOO~HOO!

I am keeping a journal now. It’s not about what I ate, it’s about how I feel. Why I wanted that food, stress? Depression? Boredom? It’s about identifying patterns and finding a solution. It’s about eliminating the excuse du jour.

I knew October was going to be a different kind of month for me, going on vacation changed my eating and spending habits and I slipped right back into old and familiar traps.  On the first pay of this month  I went back to the envelope system. I have been picking up extra hours to rebuild my baby emergency fund, which will immediately be used to pay for some much-needed repairs on the car. Should be there in two weeks.

When I look at the big picture and how much I will have going on in the next few months, I get overwhelmed and panicky. Jennifer and Lori both talked me down with the same advice. Take it one day at a time, don’t worry about starting school after the first of the year. Think about what you need to do today. Isn’t that what the ten-year plan is all about? Taking it a step at a time, to achieve a long-term goal? As Leslie always says, we can do anything for two sets of eights. Instead of thinking about the overall picture and getting flustered, break it down into smaller steps and celebrate those little achievements along the way.

I am taking the steps i need to get  back on track financially, now it’s time to get back on track with my fitness/weight loss goals. Instead of making excuses, find solutions. Rearrange my thinking and start making myself a priority. It’s time to get a little selfish and start thinking about me first. I have been saying for years that I need to practice more self-care. I tend to short myself on so many things. I don’t know why it’s so hard to get to then gym, once I am there I get into the workout and I enjoy it. It feels good to have done something positive for myself,  it felt great last Friday to walk into to work and be able to tell Connie, I worked out for ninety minutes today. I think I may just need to cut myself some slack, ninety minutes is quite a workout, but I need to realize I may not be able to put in ninety minutes every single time. That’s o.k. It’s accumulative. Even on the days when I am really tired and really dragging, if I went down to the employee gym and just walked on the treadmill for twenty minutes it’s better than not moving at all. The solution to this problem, take my workout clothes into work with me, even if I don’t change into them while I am there. I will have the option of going to the employee gym or going to the one in town. Some other small changes I can make, take the time to put some lotion on before going to bed, and baby oil in the shower, my skin gets so dry in the winter.  Start getting more sleep. I don’t know why I stay up so late when I know I have to get up so early. Then I am dragging through my day and I am too tired to go to the gym at night. For  some reason I feel that if I go to bed early, I am “missing out”. I mean I stay up until eleven at night, so I can watch Eastwick?!? Are you kidding me? the show’s not even good. I loved Paul Gross in the first two seasons of Due South, but he sucks in this show.

With everything that has happened with Dad this year, not just the past few days, if I have learned nothing else it’s that time is short. You never have enough time to spend with the people you love. So take what time you have and make the things that really truly matter to you in this life your priority. I spent today sitting in a hospital room watching the Steelers lose with my Dad. I can’t miss Sunday afternoon football with Dad. That’s a priority worth having. I have so much real life drama going on in my world I do not need, nor do I welcome manufactured drama. I am over it.

I feel good about these choices, and I feel good about where I am right now. I have so many exciting (and terrifying) things happening in my world right now. I have really grabbed life by the horns and shaken things up. It’s about time I made my life my priority. No more sitting around waiting for someone and/or something to make my life better. No one can do that for me but me. Nothing changes until something changes. You think you’ve seen change so far? You ain’t seen nothing yet, my life is about to explode. Bring on 2010, for the first time the new year doesn’t feel like more of the same, business as usual.  I’ve got mountains to move!